Loading...
loading

left Previous pageNext page right

This website uses cookies. Nothing to worry about - we use the information for statistical purposes only.

front
front

An Illustrated


XENOPHOBIC
DICTIONARY


of Europe


by


Yanko Ilieff


MMXIV.

In ordinary books, this section, written in tiny letters, represents some useful information concerning the publisher, the author, the editors or something additional that might be important for the reader or his/her lawyer.

The current book is licenced under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License. It basically means you may share, use or reproduce the book or parts of it as long as you make a reference to the original work or its author. Commercial use of any kind is undesirable.

If you have got some splendid idea that you would wish to share with the author of the book or you just want to get in touch with him, his e-mail address is ilieff@ilieff.co.uk

EDITORS and CONTRIBUTORS

Ewa GULKA


Ivalena DIMETS


Daniel VASILEV






Design and illustrations by Yanko Ilieff
4

Contents:

  • Preface.......................................................................................................6
  • A .................................................................................................................10
  • B .................................................................................................................12
  • C .................................................................................................................15
  • D .................................................................................................................17
  • E .................................................................................................................18
  • F .................................................................................................................20
  • G .................................................................................................................21
  • H .................................................................................................................24
  • I ..................................................................................................................25
  • J .................................................................................................................26
5
  • K .................................................................................................................27
  • L .................................................................................................................27
  • M ................................................................................................................28
  • N .................................................................................................................31
  • P .................................................................................................................31
  • R .................................................................................................................32
  • S .................................................................................................................34
  • T .................................................................................................................38
  • U .................................................................................................................39
  • W ................................................................................................................39
  • X .................................................................................................................40
  • Y .................................................................................................................41
6

To the reader...

An Illustrated Xenophobic Dictionary of Europe is a book which combines sarcasm, illustrations, ignorance and a solid dose of silly jokes. Some people might find it amusing, others consider it dull, or even inappropriate and insulting. Actually, its only purpose is to try to put a smile on the reader's face, at least for a while.

The idea about An Illustrated Dictionary of Europe came as a consequence of the evolution of a sarcastic joke. It all started with a vague concept, born during an intoxicated weekend, and gradually it grew larger, becoming clearer and more vivid. Illustrations are the key feature. Actually, the initial idea had more to do with that, instead of the text. However, during the process of designing, both ingredients formed a symbiosis which eventually led to the current format.

The whole process of designing and assembling of the current product took roughly about three months. During the initial phase of experimentation, the first two illustrations were made (that of the Armenian and the German which I still consider superior, compared to the rest) and also the basic skeleton of the text itself.

7The second phase was the actual research and writing which took 99% of the whole time. It represented a tiring and boring business. The rest of the illustrations were made in the meantime, depending on the level of artistic inspiration.

Perhaps some of you ...readers, are wondering why you cannot find your nationality listed in the dictionary. The reason for that could either be the fact that your nation is not European or it is one of the so called small nations which did not manage to qualify for the final version of the current book. I apologise for the inconvenience.

Before I end this section, I'd like to express my gratitude to the editors and contributors — Daniel Vasilev, Ewa Gulka and Ivalena Dimets, who really helped me a lot and made it all possible.

Thank you.

Y. Ilieff,
January MMXIV
8
9

Ready?

10

A

Allophilia — The act of senseless and absurd affinity towards other cultures, peoples and their products or acts. The sad thing is that you get no money for that.

Albanian — A square-faced person whose name always consists of four letters. He usually keeps a few sub-machine guns under the bed, or at least a handgun and a few grenades in the empty pockets of his second-hand sweater. You should not trust an Albanian, especially intoxicated ones.

Armenian — A highly self-confident, intelligent (in most cases) and passionate person with unnaturally large nose and ears. It is believed that an Armenian person would talk loudly, have a big solid family and certain difficulties with obeying traffic laws. At present, there is no registered case of a living Armenian who does not hate Turkey and Turks.

11

Austrian — A distant German-speaking relative of Arnold Schwarzenegger whose homeland possesses some of the best examples of typical European countryside, architecture and schnitzel. Unlike in the past, Austrians nowadays represent a small nation which has produced quite a few scientists, musicians, artists and one humble dictator.

Right: a random Armenian.Armenian

B

12

Balkan — A general term for referring to a person with a great passion for alcohol, belly dancing, folk music and greasy spicy food. People from the Balkans often hate each other but they definitely hate their own politicians even more. Corruption is the Balkan way for doing business and everybody takes that for granted. Another Balkan feature is the tradition of drinking home-made booze after work and beating your wife before bedtime.

Belarusian — He/she is usually a person with a peasant or factory working background. The language spoken in Belarus is both similar and different to Russian, Polish, Ukrainian and Ruthenian dialects. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why all their neighbours consider Belarusians as being inferior. That is not entirely wrong - for the random foreigner, the country has a dark past and a slightly darker future.

13

Belgian — This is a person who is not really Belgian but rather Flemish or Walloon (depending on the background). A Flemish is a sort of bizarre Dutch but without the strange affiliation to bicycles, while a Walloon is just a retarded person of medieval French background who likes masturbating and camping. This strange commonwealth is built only upon large amounts of [Flemish] money, which is due to end soon.

Bosniak —These are Yugoslavs who are nominally Muslims. Having lived in that dark den called Yugoslavia, they have traditions, temper and looks which are similar to Serbs and Croats. Naturally, like most of the Balkan nationals, a Bosniak is a great connoisseur of rakiya, greasy food and tobacco products. In addition to that, Bosniaks are often described in films and news as experienced black market traders or human traffickers.

14

British — A general term for a member of an island nation, which is made up of many other island nations. Highly self-confident, pompous and often rather silly, Britons invented football, The Internet, The Beatles and Mr Bean. The term British is sometimes misused as a synonym for 'different' because a lot of things in the United Kingdom are unique and thus difficult to understand for foreigners.

Bulgarian — Highly mercantile, semi-educated owner of a well-preserved Volkswagen Golf. Ancient Bulgarians were those who initially populated the Earth and later established the proper 'European model', thirteen centuries before the European Union ever existed. He or she is a professional manufacturer of sauerkraut and home-made alcohol but at the same time tends to be extremely lazy, yet in a very specific and stylish manner. Bulgarians, unlike the rest of the world, have a different head shake convention. What you might expect to be 'Yes' is probably 'No' and vice-versa.

15

C

Christianity — An uncircumcised version of the Jewish faith which has spread across planet Earth by the power of both word and sword. Deeply interconnected with politics and, thus, forked into various denominations, depending on the geopolitical settings. In the 21st century, the most powerful weapon of Christianity is ecclesiastical money and also the Pope's profile on Twitter.

Croatian — Having lived through the decay of Yugoslavia, Croats are explicitly nationalistic, even though their nation slightly differs in geographical terms. The main weapon of the Croatian nation is its diaspora whose main task is to blame the Serbs for things like Global warming, wars in Africa or the Civil war in Yugoslavia. The important thing to know about Croats is the fact that Croatian girls are more than beautiful. The 'sausage and beer' diet seems to do the trick.

16

Cypriote — In most cases, an islander who is a genetic relative of the mainland Greeks. They are xenophobic and if you have got no money to spend, you'd better stay away from their part of the island. Cypriots speak an odd dialect of the Greek language but, generally, they differ little from them. They all are poorly educated and smell like goat cheese and anise.

Czech — A Czech is a person whose national sport is drinking alcohol — the nation produces high quality beer, sausage and also easy-going girls. The last one actually comes for free when you purchase the former two. Culturally, Czechs tend to be introvert, socially conservative and often rather odd. That's why they are sometimes misunderstood by other nations, except Slovaks.

Czech a Czech girl
17

D

Danish — A true Dane is a person who is abused by his own government via taxation. It may seem strange, but the Danish are actually okay with that, seeming to be one of the happiest nations in Europe. Unlike the general stereotype of a Dane, they are not just tall, blond, Viking-like people. Actually, the Danish nation represents a rather humble mixture of beer, football, Lego blocks and strange hobbies.

Democracy — A mythical creature that nobody has ever seen. It is believed it has the extraordinary capability of making human life pleasant and worth-living. Since the time of the Reformation, politicians and dictators have desperately tried to find that rarity but all the attempts to accomplish their goal have failed so far. Brace yourselves, mortals.

18

Dutch — An individual whose best friend is a bicycle. Other nationalities envy the Dutch for being well-organised and well-paid. The Truth is that apart from the good aspects of being Dutch, there is also a darker side of that. Firstly, your own government steals your own money and gives them away to people you dislike. Secondly, you could be arrested for growing certain plants but you will not be if you smoke them. Thirdly, people from other countries know nothing about you and often think your country's capital is Copenhagen.

E

English — A die-hard football fan and cousin of Harry Potter. English people are hated by everybody, including their own weather. Despite the fact that English language is used all over the planet, it is quite possible that you would not understand what a true Englishman is talking to you. Perhaps, all you could get is the extensive use of bad language and lewd hand signs.

19

Estonian — A member of a legendary clan with a great passion for electronics. An Estonian is the-person-in-the-corner who never says anything and hardly anyone knows he's there. Estonians are used to that, so they do not get offended when people ask them about their country. The tricky part is that they absolutely dislike Russians (who represent a quarter of the population of Estonia) and could easily lose their temper if they hear the word 'Moscow' more than once.

Right: EstonianEstonian
20

F

Feminist — This is a female (in rare cases a male) who is a sexist. She tries to convince other people (sometimes by bashing them) that the society we all live in is terribly wrong and needs to be inverted in favour of women. One curious thing about feminists is that practically all of them have some kind of disorder — either psychological or facial (being not attractive to men).

Finnish — Another word for 'blond'. Finish people represent a small nation squeezed in between the Baltic Sea, Sweden and Putin. They are really kind and easy-going people living in wooden houses. Finns drink quite a lot of vodka and use their pet deer as a means of transport if they cannot find their way home while intoxicated. Meeting a Finn is a rare thing but if you do so, it is impossible to miss the bizarre moustache and the old-fashioned outfit.

21

French — Somebody who carries the genes of Asterix and Obelix and eats horses. Frenchmen are among the most hated nations, the term 'French' being an insult in certain regions of the globe. Despite that, they are not that huffy and their bad temper evaporates swiftly. The French are very emotional people and explicitly romantic. That is why their language is often called the language which makes babies. Frenchmen also love public shows. They have invented public beheading, public houses and pissing in open-air toilets.

G

Gay — Adjective, synonym of happy, joyful, colourful. Currently used as an inoffensive slang expression for a homosexual person, predominately male. If you want to express your homophobia in a better way, you can use more offensive synonyms like: fairy, fag, poof, queer or invert. These would certainly make a difference.

22

Georgian — A person with a large nose and black hair, capable of dancing with swords while circling on his knees. Georgians come from the Caucasus and are sometimes considered not quite European. A proof of that could be the fact that for Georgians 'dad' is 'mother' and 'mama' is 'father'. If you, by any chance, meet a Georgian, do not make any reference to Russia, Russians or the USSR; otherwise you risk losing some part of your body.

Right: a FinnFinnish
23

German — German is a general term for a person whose homeland is Central Europe and whose native language is German. Nowadays, though, the term German is limited to inhabitants of the Federal Republic of Germany (plus Turkish Gastarbeiters). If you meet a German, you will recognise them by their good manners, 90's hairstyle and the flabby belly. Depending on your nationality, you are likely to either treat Germans as half-gods, or punch them in the nose. You should not blame them though. They lost two out of two World wars, but still, it is quite possible that, indirectly, your country is counting on their national economy to get by.

Greek — Greeks are what used to be once Eastern Romans. For some strange reason though, they decided to name themselves after the ancient inhabitants of their lands. Greeks consider themselves as proper Europeans, true democrats and passionate patriots. Few Greeks speak foreign languages but they can definitely express their attitude by using their hands. For the rest of the world, Greeks have a strange language and an alien alphabet but the truth is that, actually, a large amount of the words we all use are derived from their language. The most important Greek word you need to know is 'ουζο'.

24

H

Hungarian — A member of a once-great empire, now a small country in Central Europe. Hungarians are kind, well-educated people who rarely speak any foreign languages. Hungarian language itself is the hardest language known to man. Buying a phrasebook when going to Hungary is just a waste of money because you cannot pronounce a single word. Hungarians are die-hard patriots and are thus hated by many nations. The thing which is admired by everyone though, is the beauty of Hungarian girls — there is no second opinion on that.

Right: a DutchmanDutch
25

I

Irish — An islander who makes strange sounds with his mouth and body and often talks to little imaginary people called leprechauns. The Irishmen are great traders with a splendid sense of humour and slightly ugly wives. Irish livers are sturdier than the average and thus many consider the Irish as a nation of drunken red-headed people. The truth is that the Irishmen are devoted Catholics who love their country and despise the Englishmen for inventing such a difficult to pronounce language.

Irish (N.Ireland) — Slightly different from their brothers in the South. The Northern Irishmen are really fond of sports. During a sport event, they gather up in pubs and organise grand 'fist-fight' parties to celebrate the victory of their favourite team. Apart from that, the Northern Irish are really smart people. They invented houses with bricked windows, political murals and the Titanic ship.

26

Italian — They are the prototype of Super Mario. Also, an example of what Ancient Romans evolved into. An Italian is a person with greasy hair who talks loudly and tends to be xenophobic about food. Among Italian inventions are fast racing cars, wearing black shirts and fighting organised crime with organised crime. Unlike male Italians, females have normal noses and nice breasts, but a drawback is their passion for pubic hair.

J

Jewish — The word itself has many aliases — Hebrew, Semitic, Judaistic, Israeli, Yiddish, etc. Anybody could be a Jewish — your neighbour, your grandmother, the president, or even your dog. That does not mean that being a Jewish is a bad thing. Actually, it is some kind of an omen because being a Hebrew has a lot of cons but also quite a few pros like, for example, money and gold and diamonds and political power and Facebook. It is a historical tradition that Jewish should be hated by other nations. Many people admit that this hatred is the secret behind the great trading and merchant skills of the Jews.

27

K

Kosovar — That is something like an Albanian with his own subculture. Kosovars are usually Muslim people with contrabandist hobbies and a great passion for anything which is connected to gold, prostitution, firearms or drugs. Nevertheless, the country has serious political problems with its neighbours and nobody cares much about Kosovars themselves, treating them just as odd Albanians.

L

Latvian — A professional dish-washer from a small country in Eastern Europe. Latvians represent a tiny but rigid nation, which is really proud of its capital town — Riga. Native Latvians are just ordinary Europeans with a slight scent of the Soviet Union(which they hate) and because of that they often describe their country as being in the north of Europe rather than in the East. Latvians enjoy beer, partying, yellow cheese and nice girls with small bottoms.

28

Lithuanian — A person with an odd surname which everybody enjoys pronouncing. Lithuanian people are great patriots, especially after a few drinks. Most of them are quiet and kind people but would definitely attack you if your jokes did not suit them or if you tried to convince them that it was great to live in the Soviet Union.

M

Macedonian — A person with a serious identity crisis. Macedonians treat themselves as heirs of Alexander the Great — a really brave statement for a country with the size of a fairly large farm. Nevertheless, Macedonians are a great company for drinking and chatting, as long as you abstain from topics about nations and the history of the Balkans. However, if you do so (intentionally or not) prepare yourself for a sinister lottery — you can get an extra rakiya, a serious body injury or anything in between.

29

Moldovan — An obscure name for an odd Romanian with pro-Russian and communist political views. People from Moldova are quite isolated and some of them still think that they are living in the 80's as their environment apparently has not changed much since then. The national sport in Moldova is farming and because of this everybody has a muscular body. Moldovans, like most Eastern Europeans, dislike their politicians and hope that things would get better soon so that their daughters, sisters or mothers could return from Amsterdam.

Montenegrin — A legendary Balkan inhabitant who speaks a strange Serbian dialect. Montenegrins are quite tall, lazy and stingy people who are still divided into various family clans that often fight each other. Montenegrins have the psychological issue about being treated just as odd Serbs and, thus, would try to deny it with the cost of their lives. Many years ago Montenegrins did not have a name for their country so they came out with the current one (translated as "Dark mountain") in order to scare away stingy tourists and Albanians.

30German

Muslim — A highly religious circumcised male who cannot tell the difference between ordinary and pubic hair and, thus, keeps his wife permanently wrapped in a bed sheet. A Muslim would sometimes deny other people's religious practices and, in certain cases, would be hostile to science, Jewish, homosexuals, art, Israeli, politics, pork meat, Hebrew, etc.

Right: a German male
31

N

Norwegian — A Scandinavian who survives on fish and potatoes. Norwegians make a lot of money and because of that, during holidays, they often put on scale mails and horned helmets and sail their ships to other countries on a hunt for cheaper booze. Norwegians are hated by many nations but surveys show it is all mutual.

P

Polish — A Catholic who uses the word 'kurwa' instead of a comma. Polish are hard-working and humble people who tend to complain a lot, even when there is nothing to complain about. The language they use is a vowel-thirsty language similar to a cipher which could be decoded only by native speakers. Historically Poland suffered a lot and as a result of this most Polish people are great patriots who love their country and the Pope.

32

Portuguese — A person who lives on the very edge of Europe but still has not fallen into the ocean. The Portuguese are lazy and always prefer the easy options. That is why the names they give to their towns, animals or children are generally short and random which provokes sarcastic smiles on the faces of foreign people. Another tradition in Portugal is the eternal emancipation of the Portuguese nation from anything of Spanish origin. The truth is that neither is something to be proud of but doing so is understandable as common sense is limited on the Pyrenees.

R

Romanian — A hard-working peasant from the Lower Danube who believes that good education solves all the problems. Romanians are highly passionate about their country, folklore and low-cost partying. They come from a poor country which produces hardcore criminals, ethnic minorities and cheap automobiles, all of which are notorious throughout Europe. Drawback is that Romanians cannot handle sarcastic jokes and might act unexpectedly. However, practically most of them are kind and hospitable.

33

Russian — Another word for Soviet. That is a person for whom alcohol is a vital liquid. Russian people are highly self-confident with great passion for learning new things, no matter how silly they might be. They love doing sport, often featuring animals, steel objects, or small glasses full of various liquids. The Russian nation has its own sense of humour and traditions, both of which appear barbaric to the westerners. Among the most influential Russian inventions are concentration camps, space travelling and state-controlled mafia. The word you need to remember in Russian is 'suuka' whose meaning is a general term for politeness.

Right: an IrishmanIrishman
34

S

Scottish — A person who despises trousers and tennis. It is also a synonym for a strong and impulsive person or somebody who smells like porridge. Scotsmen are not that popular with other nations. Even the Ancient Romans neglected them and built The Hadrian Wall in order to prevent any contact with them. Nowadays, though, the Scottish people form a small ordinary nation at the edge of Europe, which enjoys football, German porn films and also pretending to be independent from the rest of the United kingdom.

Serbian — A world champion in dirty talks about other people's mothers. Quite tall, agile and booze-thirsty. Serbs are very nationalistic and conservative nation that is hated by others a lot. Serbians enjoy dominating. They have got huge egos and if someone does not like their opinion, the outcome would be determined by gladiator-like methods. That is why, about midnight, in every Serbian dancing club, it is time for a fistfight deathmatch. It's a centuries-old tradition.

35

Slovak — A person named Michal who comes from the sinister part of Czechoslovakia. Slovaks are a kind and bright nation that consumes massive amounts of pork meat and beer. Historical rumours suggest that the incorrect name of their capital, Bratislava, is due to the intoxication with pivo on behalf of a history professor in the first quarter of twentieth century. Nevertheless, Slovaks are hard-working and honest yet... they still remain a slightly poorer replica of the Czech.

Right: a Russian nationalRussian
36

Slovenian — An Austro-Hungarian Slav living on the sunny side of the Alps, who makes ends meet by offering hotel rooms to Germans and Italians visiting the country for some holiday adultery. Most of them are really stingy but that is how they save a lot of money. Their former fellow countrymen from Serbia, Croatia and Bosnia refer to Slovenians as 'socially homosexual' - a severe insult for the Balkans. Actually, Slovenians hate the word 'Balkan' and would deny anything that combines in once sentence-word order 'Slovenia' and 'Balkan'.

Spaniard — A really outgoing, cheerful, 'talking-with-hands' type of person from the Kingdom of Spain. That includes many nations like, for example, Catalan, Basque, Aragonese, etc. People from Spain are treated as great guides for partying, including drinking, dancing and others. Spanish brains are often far too small for the skulls that envelop them. That phenomenon is proven by the weird rattling sound which is produced when a Spanish person is running or jumping. Despite their brain limitations, Spanish invented many things - America, the Spanish Inquisition, botellón, etc.

37

Swedish — A black metal junkie who hates conversations about ABBA. In Sweden men are expected to urinate while sitting on the toilet. Otherwise they could be charged of being sexist. Apart from that (and also the Arab immigrants), Sweden is a nice country with many lakes, blond girls and a lot of homosexuals. The gay festival in Stockholm is treated as a public holiday and a good reason for sarcastic jokes by the Norwegians.

Swiss — An anonymous owner of a bank whose hobby is clock making. Swiss people have no solid national identity and prefer to be regionalistic rather than nationalistic. They are great soldiers and everybody has a personal firearm. Even the Pope's bodyguards are Swiss. Switzerland is also famous for the Alps - a green home for purple cattle and marmots that work in chocolate factories.

38

T

Turkish — That is a proud owner of a thick moustache and a round-shaped belly. The Turkish come from Asia but have the dignity of being European too. They live in a large country and, thus, differ from each other, depending on the region they originate from. The general impression of a Turkish is that they are semi-educated, traditionalist and strongly tied to the family which, in most cases, is a really large one.

Right: A Portuguese...or Spanish, is there any difference?Pyrenees
39

U

Ukrainian — Often wrongly treated as being Russian. Some of the Ukrainians would not mind that mistake but others would make your nose bleed because of that. The topic about Russia represents a major division in the Ukrainian nation. Both types of people, though, enjoy pork lard, fresh bread and vodka. It is a sort of a national feature as well as long fringes and folk break dancing.

W

Welshman — This is a British with his own language, culture and sheep. In most cases, quite intelligent and gifted. Welsh language, though, is impossibly difficult for foreigners. Tourists in Wales often regret asking a local for direction because it takes a few hours and a lot of effort to correctly pronounce the nasal name of a village or a town.

40

X

Xenophilia — An illness. If a person is obsessed with foreigners, other people's cultures and generally unfamiliar objects, then they suffer from xenophilia. Currently, there is no cure for that, but some North Korean scientists claim they have cured thousands of their fellow countrymen.

Right: a man from SwedenSwede
41

Y

You — That is somebody who is, at this very moment, the reader of the current book. Ta-da! There is not much to say about him/her but I am sure that reaching the very end of the book is something that is greatly appreciated by the author.

front
front